''- coming back.''

i'm sitting here. blank. big xanga box. inspired by how my friend started posting back here. and then i remember how much i used to rely on this site to .. keep sane? not sure. to shout. yell. cry about the things i couldn't admit to myself. things i could never say to your face. his. face. her face. 

i made a tumblr for myself. but it wasn't the same. i was always scared that people wouldn't find me interesting. i never had that here. i could just spill everything. everything out and post it. not caring about what everything on the outside world thought.

life is more personal here. so i'm coming back. it's been a while.

when i shut you out. i suddenly remembered how nice it was to shut down on the inside. let nothing in and nothing out. 
it was peaceful. without hearing anything and without having to worry how to respond.

''- today i realised..''

1. 
i really don't know where to put all my complaints, trouble and.. crap. i need a shrink. maybe i should go back into therapy. maybe i should run back. back back back to the days when i would be sitting in the empty room. in his office. back in the days when i was fine. 
back to the days when i was carefree. when i didn't have troubles. problems. 
back in the days when i think.. i loved being me.

2.
i really hate telling you things m'dear. i feel so small. so fucking dependant and pathetic. why am i not managing? why am i not okay?
everytime i break down in front of you i die a little on the inside. how can i just do that in front of you? 
i'm scared of being fragile.  

3. 
that maybe i don't really want too many friends. today charlotte sat me down and started blubbing about this facebook fight she had with this other girl who called her friend a slag because the friend got off with the girl's boyfriend. 
i thought that that was what i always wanted. to have friends who would include me in these social circles. friends who would tell me what was going on. 
but then i realised i didn't just not care. i really did not want to know. it all seemed so stupid. childish.

4.
..
i'm sort of wondering if she cares anymore. i can understand why you don't want to spend any more money on me. fine. i can live with that. but you don't seem to want to spend any more time on me either. you just don't seem to care anymore. or you just don't seem to  want to know anymore. 

5.
today i realised how much i'm hurting on the inside. how much i want to cry out for help but i'm afraid of looking stupid. of being overly sensitive. clingy. dependant. 
today i realised how tired i look. how much i'm starting to depend on pills to sleep again. how tied up i suddenly am. how i'm slowly breaking down on the inside. 

what a fucking good start to november

why am i like this? 

today more than 1000 things ran through my head, and when i went to bed, 1000 nightmares ran by. it'd be a terrible nap with me waking up every 10 to 30 minutes covered in sweat and on several occassions, in tears.

and when i finally wake up, i find that my mum's in a&e and there's no one in the house. 

spot on life

(y)

"- will you stay until it's all done?"